Finding Your Sexual Voice in Intimate Relationships
"Communication is key!" is a common phrase that gets thrown around without understanding what it “actually” means or how to do so properly.
Let's face it, we all think we're great communicators. While that may be true for some, others like myself may sometimes struggle with effectively communicating our needs and emotions in our day-to-day relationships. News flash: Communicating effectively with others is actually hard! Recently, I began diving into why communicating is challenging for me and recognized that I wasn't raised in an emotionally intelligent household. That's no excuse or shade towards my family, but it’s a common trend ingrained in Black culture and households.
When reflecting, I began understanding my inner emotions that I masked and deeply suppressed. Anger wasn't truly anger, but implicit hurt or betrayal, fear as defensiveness, and hyper-independence spawned from traumatic events sprinkled throughout my life. If I got into conflict with a relative and they clearly were in the wrong, an apology was never issued, nor would we actually address the issue at hand. In fact, it would usually be swept under the rug over time, or a peace offering statement was given, such as "what do you want to eat?". Usually, these conflicts were minor misunderstandings or merely miscommunication that spiraled out of control until it was too late.
Having been raised with this "communication style," mixed signals began to play out in my romantic relationships, which didn’t always end in the best circumstances. As I've grown older, more open, and have had more life experiences, I've learned how to understand the emotions I am actually feeling and how to communicate them better. A better understanding of how to communicate helped with my current romantic relationships and my day-to-day relationships with colleagues, friends, and family.
It takes time, effort, and practice to become a better communicator, and it's not something you can learn overnight. It’s best to know and understand communication styles to avoid unnecessary conflict. A great way to help communication between you and your intimate partners is to take a communication style quiz to learn better strategies to communicate with each other to help establish better emotional intelligence within your relationship.
Suppose you struggle with effectively communicating and advocating in personal relationships that can begin to spill over into the bedroom, taking away the sugar and spice from your sexual and romantic relationships. Let me tell you from experience that it's no fun for either party involved.
Let's take things up a notch and begin discussing how to communicate your needs and desires in the bedroom effectively.
Understanding Your Sexual Pleasure & Enjoyment
How do you learn what you find sexually enjoyable, exciting, and pleasurable?
Masturbate! Masturbate! MASTURBATE!! I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to touch your body and understand what YOU like. In my opinion, how can you expect someone to pleasure you when you don't know what you want. Women, especially Black Women, tend not to prioritize themselves or their pleasure in relationships. The many intersections women have, as parents, spouses, children, being the family glue, and professionals, or a few obstacles that get in the way of women prioritizing their pleasure. Might I add along with society's unrealistic expectations to hustle non-stop and work hard to be successful. This mindset has made it hard for us to stop, rest, and consider ourselves for once without feeling guilt or shame. It's challenging as a woman to stop and put your needs or wants first. It's time for that to change and recognize our personal needs, especially as sexual beings and pleasure seekers.
So how can you begin prioritizing yourself and find what you enjoy?
Scheduling some "Me Time":
“Me-Time” could be as simple as scheduling two minutes of your day to focus on breathwork, meditation, or a simple personal mental health check-in. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself, “How are you feeling? Are any of your needs being met at the moment? Have I experienced pleasure today?”
You could also carve out a designated time daily, weekly, or monthly for yourself and designate time to do whatever pleasures you! I suggest time-blocking your days with a daily planner and blocking out the time you sleep, eat, and other pressing to-do items (meetings, classes, picking up the kids, grocery shopping). Once you have a visual reference of your day, it helps you see where you can enter in time for you!
Affirmations:
Take some time to write affirmations for yourself and recite them when you wake up and look in the mirror getting ready. Turn what you may “think” are flaws into a self-compliment. For example, looking into the mirror and reciting the following:
I'm fine as fuck!
I love my FUPA!
My tiger stripes are BOMB.
Pleasure is my birthright, and I DESERVE PLEASURE.
I deserve to feel good
I love _____ part of my body
I am worthy of love
I am in control of what brings me pleasure.
I am desirable
I am healthy
I AM OKAY!
Affirmations help motivate and boost your self-worth and help shift negative thoughts. You can use these examples or make up your own to gas yourself up, whatever works best for you.
Learn what pleasures you:
People often associate the word "pleasure" with sex. While it's possible to receive pleasure from sex, pleasure can take place in many forms. A gateway into understanding what you find pleasurable in the bedroom starts with getting comfortable with finding out what pleases you in your daily life. Be open to trying something new out because you may discover it could bring you joy and make you more open to exploring in the bedroom.
Touching yourself:
Be not afraid! This does not have to be sexual (unless you want it to be). In the shower, bath, or when you have a moment, take the time to touch (caress) your arms, face, legs, and down to your genitals if you have a few seconds and privacy! When you feel yourself, you're teaching yourself about your body and its response to various types of touches. This easy exercise allows you to learn about body autonomy and how you like to be pleasured!
You might come across an erogenous zone, or two that you didn’t know was a pleasure spot. An erogenous zone is a place on the body that has heightened sensitivity and induces sexual desire and feelings when stimulated. These are places like your lips, neck, genitals, or ears, to name a few common zones.
Touching yourself is helpful not only for yourself but for your sexual partners. For example, you can physically show them how you like to be touched to get you in the mood! This can be a fun experience, as you can play a sexy game of adult "show and tell", where you show your partner the place you like to be touched and tell or instruct them on how to pleasure you- then they do it!
What motivates you to have sex, and how to use that to your advantage to enjoy partner play?
Before you go out of your way to find a partner to have sex with, I like to tell people to take a moment to reflect on their sexual and intimate expectations. What in this moment is motivating you to want sex? It could be lust and simply just wanting to fuck. Maybe you're longing for intimacy- a human experience, the warmth of another body clinging to yours- which can happen during a sexual encounter, but not wanting to engage in sexual behavior. OR feeling obligated or pressured to have sex from your partner is a hard NO NO! Sexual coercion is a form of sexual assault! If you do not want to have sex (no matter what your partner wants or feels), DON'T!
Once you assess what you're genuinely wanting, you're self-aware of your emotions, needs, and desires. It’ll give you the ability to communicate these feelings to intimate partners. It's crucial to find the root and motivation of your sex drive. That'll help you avoid a sticky situation when all you only wanted was cuddle time or affection. Or even better, you might know you want a quick nut, but no cuddles- just a wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am! (and that's ok!)
The Essentials of Confidently & Openly Speaking About Sex
Before you become intimate with your partners, it’s essential to have candid discussions about your boundaries, what you are willing to explore or not, getting tested for sexually transmitted infections, whether or not barrier methods (or hormonal birth control) will be used or not, if this is an exclusive arrangement and your level of sexual experience.
While these questions may sound invasive to some, it's a vital tool for self-advocating for your sexual and reproductive health. For physical, sexual, and mental health reasons, it's essential to know these details about your intimate partners. This level of intimate communication is needed for preventing the spread of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), unintended pregnancies, and your emotional state. Open and honest communication amongst sexual partners is critical to being a sexually responsible and healthy individual.
Nowadays, people usually meet online via social media or dating apps, so it's important to be transparent, respectful, but honest in your intentions and boundaries as they can be misinterpreted. A great way to start the conversation (whether via text, FaceTime, or in-person) is to say:
"Hey! I know we're both interested in fucking each other (or the possibility of it), but before we go there, I want to take the time to go through some things first so that we're both on the same page. Does that sound good to you?"
That way, you can get clarity on the situation and determine how to proceed. If the person is willing to move forward, you can continue with:
"I’m not sure if you’ve ever gotten tested for STIs before, but I think we both should get tested before doing anything sexual. I’m not insinuating anything about you personally, but I rather us both know our status before engaging in any sexual activities. Is that a deal-breaker for you?”
You’ll either get a greenlight or hella red flags based on this response. If you see red flags, RUN! ABORT MISSION. If your partner is still on board, you could work out how you could go about getting tested and discuss birth control usage, whether that's barrier methods such as using external (male) condoms, internal (female) condoms, dental dams, or hormonal birth control. If your partner is concerned about you probing into their health, you can reassure them that you’re taking proper sexual health precautions!
Discussing Sexual Wants & Desires with Play Partners
Honesty. If you feel like your partner will judge you or look at you differently based on your desires or fantasies, then maybe they aren’t the right one for you, or you’re into some wild ass shit (and that’s okay, too!). You want to make sure you’re with someone you find safe, have a sense of comfortability, transparency, and are 100% open with you during your sexual journey. Once you find a trusted partner(s), you can fill out a Yes, No, or Maybe list to help open up dialogue about kinks or sexual fantasies you’re into exploring sexually. This worksheet allows you and your partners (or solo) to categorize sexual activities, kinks, and sexual pleasure into the designated yes, no, or maybe column based on what you’re interested in to help discuss possible sexual desires or fantasies!
Your Best Sexual Experiences Begin With Communication
Communicating is hard as fuck, okay! Especially in your day-to-day relationships, let alone your sexual or romantic relationships. However, it’s vital to be self-aware in how you best communicate with others and to be open and understanding of others’ styles based on their upbringing. Remember to find your voice in a sexual relationship. It would be best if you took the time to prioritize yourself and your pleasure. You cannot expect someone else to know what you want if you can’t communicate that to them. It takes lots of time, self-confidence, patience, and persistence with yourself, but surely you will get there and find your voice in the bedroom slowly.
Embrace your sexuality and take control and ownership of your sex life by finding your sexual voice in and out of the bedroom! Subscribe to Lala’s Bedtime Tales Newsletter and follow @LalasBedtimeTales on social media for sex tips and tricks to spice up your sex life! Also, check out Lala's Bedtime Tales Podcast and Lala's Oh So Exclusive Patreon account for even more content! If you’re browsing for sexy pleasure products or cute giftable items, then check out Lala’s Pleasure Shop.
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