Why Doesn't My Partner Want As Much Sex As Me

Have you ever noticed a change in your sexual desire depending on your circumstance, e.g., an increase in sex during a new and exciting relationship? Once your relationship was passion-filled. You and your partner(s) were burning up the sheets, and your lust for one another was off the charts. Your sex life's spontaneity level was reflected in your ability and want to have sex anytime and anywhere. Currently, that time in your life feels like it's passed. Now you or your partner(s) are struggling to get in the mood for sex, and even scheduling sex doesn't help. The level of spontaneity is how most people define sexual desire, and typically the "spark" many couples refer to during discussions of decreased sex drive is called the libido.

Mismatched sex drives are a widespread sexual concern, especially for couples in long-term relationships. Mismatched libidos are the common cause of couples seeking relationship help in sex therapy or marital counseling. However, before we dive into how to fix libido differences, let's talk basics. Sexual desire, the want and/or need to have sex, is what controls our libido or sex drive. Most men, women, and non-binary individuals have a naturally innate desire for sexual relations. It's essential to understand your desire and sexual wants because it makes it easier to understand what makes sex more enjoyable for you, making you want to engage in sex more often. The lack of understanding of what pleases you in the bedroom is where you might need to start to overcome the sex drive disconnect between you and your intimate partner(s). 

What Are Mismatched Libidos?

What is the largest sex organ? If you didn't know, the brain is considered the largest sex organ of the body. Due to this role, sex is truly an emotional, physical, psychological, and physiological experience. Sexual desire begins in the brain. So, our thoughts and feelings significantly affect our sexual experiences. Earth-shattering or even just, good sex requires continual sexual energy, connectivity, and a focus on pleasure between partners. Mismatched libidos disrupt a good sex life by breeding feelings of disappointment or resentment. Therefore, leaving one or more partners yearning for sex on a consistent or regular basis rather than the sexual inconsistency they may be receiving from a partner. Mismatch libidos cause a disconnect of sexual enjoyment for the partner that isn't getting the sexual contact they desire and need to have a satisfactory sex life.

Due to fear of vulnerability, those struggling with a higher sex drive in their relationship may not ask for more sexual contact. The lack of communication causes the mismatched libidos to become a significant challenge in relationships. Any challenge or conflict blocks the flow of good sexual energy and disrupts the connection with the erotic self. Therefore, you and your partner(s) need to find the necessary support and tools to help break these blocks and become better equipped to resolve the relationship roadblock created by mismatched libidos.

What Causes Mismatched Libidos?

What if the trust and vulnerability are there, but your libidos still don't match up? What if the libido is there, but the trust and vulnerability are off? Well, I'm here to tell you that in long-term relationships, your libido will not align 100% of the time. Mismatched libidos can happen for a variety of reasons. Research indicates sexual activity typically decreases for couples over time. But I have good news!

Pleasure takes practice, meaning "great lovers" are made–- not born—and thus, there is hope for those who aspire to improve their sex lives.

Couples often commonly experience one partner being in the mood for more sex than the other. So here are three common blocks to sexual desire that lead to mismatched libido:

1. A Disruptive Mind

Due to sexual desire originating in the mind, many psychological factors can negatively affect your libido. A person's sexual interest can be affected by past sexual experiences and the messages received on sex and pleasure. For example, people with a perceived history of positive sexual experiences are more likely to have a stronger desire for frequent sex. Those with negative experiences, such as lack of pleasure, anxiety, and pain during sex, are less likely to seek out sex.

Mental health issues can have a negative impact on an individual's libido. If you or your partner(s) are experiencing stress related to work, family, or finances, then typically, sex and pleasure become deprioritized. Daily life stressors or misfortunate events can cause a disconnect in sexual energy, which can prevent someone from wanting to engage in sexual activity or can pause a want to seek pleasure. To put it into perspective, if a lot is going on up north, there isn't going to be a lot going on down south. A stressed-out mind commonly converts to performance anxiety causing a mental blocker for an individual to feel pressure to meet sexual expectations. What was once a satisfying activity of intimacy and emotional connection is now a challenging obstacle or obligation.

2. Harboring A Negative Body Image

Physical attraction is not a new concept in the realm of sex. Those who find their partners physically attractive are more likely to desire sex often. However, how one perceives their attractiveness also plays a major role. A significant part of feeling in the mood stems from how we feel about ourselves. For example, if you believe that your body is beautiful, sexy, and special to both you and your partner, then you will have a stronger desire for sex compared to when you have a negative view of your body. Body image issues are common sexual blocks that can lead to avoiding sexual activity altogether. Bodily changes such as weight loss/gain, hair loss, or aging can all affect your self-esteem and make you feel less desirable. There is truth to the saying, "When you look good, you feel good," however, the focus shouldn't be solely on the "looking" portion of this catchy saying. Body image is the embodiment of your thoughts and feelings toward your body.

In many cases, people consider their bodily changes unattractive and believe that others share the same perception. Think of the body as a sexual center, connecting our sexual interests with sexual expression. When there are blocks in the sexual center, people are more likely to pump their breaks regarding sexual relations.

3. Relationship Conflict Could Be The Culprit

Whenever there is tension or conflict between a couple, sexual energy tends to be lower. Frequent arguments, lack of trust, and resentment can lead to a decline in sexual desire. Though some enjoy rough sex fueled by anger, that's not everyone's kinky cup of tea! When there are repressed or unexpressed emotions that negatively impact the balance of the relationship, not only does this create a sexual block, but it also can lead to couples not having sex at all. Unfortunately, when you stop, it's harder to rebuild that sexual energy again. It's not impossible, but it takes significant work and commitment. Also, many couples with libido discrepancies suffer from a lack of communication combined with a performance-based view of sex. Instead of defining what pleasure looks like for them, the focus is on things like body image, natural level of lubrication, keeping an erection, and whether or not you'd experience an orgasm. The performance perspective placed on sex leads to a lot of pressure on partnered sex and is one of the reasons that performance anxiety is a primary factor in lowered libido.

Overcoming Mismatch Libidos In A Relationship

Remember that pleasure takes practice. A sexual block can happen anytime, lowering your or your partner's libido. Here are three best practices to overcome mismatched libido in your relationship:

1. Sexual Meditation And Mindfulness

Sexual energy thrives in a relaxed mind. Life stressors are not sexy. The key is to get rid of whatever takes away from connectivity with your lover.

Are you exhausted? Cut back on screen time and prioritize rest.

Not enough privacy due to children? Get a babysitter and schedule regular date nights or getaways for uninterrupted intimacy.

Tough day at work? Create a space where you can spend quality time alone to unwind, read a book, drink a glass of wine, or take a soothing bath. The most important part is to do this before significant interaction with anyone else.

 You may find that you got in the habit of jumping right into life at home with your partner and/or kids and forgot about making time for yourself.

2. Sex Exploration Is Vital

Enjoying sex is about knowing your arousal patterns and sharing them with your partner. Remember, you're constantly evolving. This means you will always be learning about sex and discovering new ways to receive pleasure. In some cases, you may have just entered a new phase of your sexual journey. New territory calls for new methods of reconnecting with your erotic self.

A great way to accomplish this is by incorporating self-pleasure into your routine. Self-pleasure is a natural way to get to know your body, build confidence and give yourself the necessary language to communicate your desires to others. Set the mood for yourself and explore every part of your body to learn what turns you on and gets you aroused for sexual activity. Then put those new learnings to practice through transparent communication with your partner and actively and mindfully engaging in sexual acts with your partner so that you'll be on the same page during sex.

3. Open And Continual Sexual Communication With Partners

In your relationship, if you find that you and your partner's libidos aren't matching up or you're having trouble getting in the mood. The best way to work towards resolving this issue is through patience, understanding, and handling of the situation with care. A healthy way to get past this relationship roadblock is to get to the root of "why." Why aren't you or your partner(s) in the mood? What external forces could potentially be causing issues with you or their libido(s)? There are various reasons one partner's libido may be in acceleration mode while the other(s) or hitting the brakes regarding sexual connection. It's important to talk through those differences and be open to whatever needs changes or work needs to be put in to get you all on the same page to have a more enjoyable sex life.

 Focus on strengthening emotional connection by spending time with your partner to understand them on a deeper level. As you improve your bond, your comfort level will grow, and it will be easier to express vulnerability in and out of the bedroom. In some cases, you may have a lower desire for sex because the sex you're having isn't desirable. It is imperative to know what stimulates you sexually or turns you on so you have a clear map to provide others for your pleasure.

 How can someone please you if you don't know what brings you pleasure? Practice communicating your needs and meeting your partner's needs. With a foundation of trust and understanding, share your sexual curiosities with your partner and be open to exploring different sexual activities. Have an honest conversation with your partner and approach with an open mindset. Sometimes a closed mindset is all we know but allowing room for curiosity and exploration to flourish is what encourages pleasure.

 Understanding yourself is power; with that power, you can unlock the sex life of your dreams. No matter the status of your sexual journey, pleasure is your birthright and should be treated as a priority. Despite orientation or disposition, everybody deserves pleasure-filled sex, healthy relationships, and the life they desire. Never forget that you are the key to crafting the life you deserve, and you deserve a life full of pleasure!

Sending love and good energy,

Bre

Your level of sexual desire is normal, whether it’s more, less, or equivalent to your sexual partner(s). Having a better understanding of your body, pleasure, and turn-ons allows you to unlock the sex life of your dreams! Therefore, part of Lala's Bedtime Tales mission is to provide a safe space and judgment-free zone to educate yourself on sexual health & wellness. The Sexual Health & Wellness corner will have monthly articles dedicated to continuous education on living a positive and sexually healthy lifestyle. Subscribe to Lala's Bedtime Tales Newsletter and follow @LalasBedtimeTales on social media to never miss any sexual education to help you live the healthiest life possible. Also, check out Lala's Bedtime Tales Podcast and Lala's Oh So Exclusive Patreon account for even more content! If you’re browsing for sexy pleasure products or cute giftable items, then check out Lala’s Pleasure Shop.

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