Sex Beyond Intercourse
Sex is any activity that may lead to arousal or climax. Sexual activity may involve a partner, partners or be a solo activity. Sex includes our mind, spirit, and body. It encompasses all body parts, including mouths, tongues, fingers, hands, toes, feet, genitals, anus, and so much more. Our five senses: touch, taste, smell, hearing, and sight, play a significant role in our heightened arousal and enjoyment of sexual activities. Sexual health is not just the absence of disease or dysfunction but embodies the physical, emotional, mental, and social aspects of well-being concerning sexuality(World Health Organization).
Healthy sexual relationships are framed by respect with a positive approach to sexuality, including pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence. To attain and maintain sexual health, “the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled” (WHO 2019).
Defining Sexual Interactions & Experiences
Sex is a whole array of sexual interactions between people. Hugging, kissing, holding hands aren’t just a prelude to sex. Each one of those can be a sexual experience. For people with a clitoris, manual, oral, or vibrational stimulation are much more likely to bring a person to orgasm than penile-vaginal intercourse. Men can ejaculate and have an orgasm without an erect penis. For people with physical disabilities, sexual arousal and response often include more of the body than just the genitals. Penis in vagina sex is one of many sexual behaviors. It is not the only way to have sex and does not need to be the goal of a sexual experience.
There are times in life when sexual intercourse may be contraindicated, such as when a woman is at risk for pre-term labor or after a hysterectomy. Perhaps sexual intercourse and orgasm may need to be avoided for a time, but she can still engage in other forms of physical intimacy and erotic play such as breast play, thigh sex, or outercourse. Couples may avoid penis in vagina sex as a form of contraception during peak fertility but can still participate in other sexual activities that wouldn’t lead to conception. Sexual desire and response may wax and wane throughout our lives due to hormonal shifts, aging, family and work life, or physical or mental health concerns. Many men experience erectile dysfunction and have health conditions such as prostate cancer, obesity, hypertension, or diabetes mellitus, which can affect the quality of their erection. Vaginal dryness associated with menopause or people who have sexual pain disorders may have a decrease in libido. When we broaden the definition of sex beyond penile-vaginal intercourse, we include people more fully in healthy sexual relations—allowing people to understand that sexual disorders, dysfunctions, or health issues don’t have to alleviate your ability or your partner(s) to have enjoyable sexual encounters with one another to keep the intimacy alive in your relationship(s).
Best Practices to Alleviate Sexual Difficulties with Partners
A seven-step problem-solving model may be helpful in working together with your partner(s) to resolve any sexual difficulties.
Listed below are the seven steps that you should take to help communicate sexual problems with sexual partners:
1. Define the Problem: Are you dealing with sexual dysfunction which is causing you to have less of a sexual drive?
2. Understand the Current Situation: My partner has been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction, so we need to find ways to enjoy intimacy and sexual pleasure without causing mental anguish or physical discomfort.
3. Gather and analyze information on the Issue: After defining, discussing, and understanding the sexual issue, work with medical professionals and research the best ways to proceed with intimacy given your current circumstances.
4. Develop Solutions: After educating yourself on the issue, work with your partner or partners to find a couple of ways to resolve or best work around the situation.
5. Implement Solutions: Once you and your partner(s) have reached a consensus on solutions, try them out and see what works best for you all to have enjoyable and pleasurable sexual encounters.
6. Hold the Gain: Dealing with sexual issues can be tricky so, celebrate and enjoy the small victories with your partner(s) as you work through these current sexual issues.
7. Reflect and Learn: Continual communication amongst sexual and intimate partners is a great way to work through any sexual rough patches that may occur. Reflect on the whole situation, be patient with one another, and learn and keep moving forward with what’s working for you all to have a happy and satisfying sex life, given any current obstacles.
Talking about these concerns with your partner is essential. Permitting each person to acknowledge and feel the way they do about the issue is valuable. After stating the issue and discussing how each partner feels and is affected by the issue, doing some limited research into past sexual experiences may help brainstorm ideas on how to work through the issue and find a satisfactory solution. Sometimes medication may help resolve an issue like Erectile Dysfunction (ED) or Dyspareunia (painful vaginal intercourse). Other times, a safe and open conversation can help resolve any psychological or emotional concerns that may be acting as a roadblock for you and your partner(s) to have a fulfilling sex life.
Various Ways to Engage in Pleasurable Sexual Activities
Pleasurable sexual activities are numerous. Try making a Will, Want, Won’t List (Alexa Martinez, 2019, The Violet Butterfly has a downloadable version) with your partner(s) and open a discussion about what kinds of sexual play fuels your sexual desires. Sexual activity can be many things, such as oral sex, hand sex, outercourse, breath play, adventurous and new sex positions, or sexting. There are various ways to find sexual pleasure with a partner without penetrative sex, like watching ethical porn (Erika Lust), reading erotica, or consensual observations of your partner(s) masturbating. Other sexual and intimate activities to consider are mutual masturbation, bathing or showering together, and even offering your partner backrubs or massages. These are other acts of intimacy that have been found erotic by some couples. Even try roleplaying or bondage if you and your partner(s) desire to liven up your sex life. Changing the location of sex or having sex in water or outdoors can increase you and your partner’s libido. Have you had sexual fantasies and want to learn more techniques to satisfy your partner(s)? Then consider taking a tantra class or exploring Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) with each other.
Incorporating sex toys for yourself or with a partner is another area to explore. Some of my favorite credible websites for shopping for sex toys include adamandeve.com, goodvibes.com, and pureromance.com. Are you wanting to introduce sex toys and novelty products in the bedroom but are unsure how to do it?
Here are four key factors to help you incorporate sex toys into the bedroom with a partner or partners:
1. Have a conversation about it, such as, “I’d like to incorporate a vibrator into our lovemaking. Does that interest you?”
2. Open body language and a curious attitude may help engage a partner to try a new experience. Part of sexual consent is understanding that if one isn’t comfortable with any type of sexual behavior, the other partner will stop and not push further.
3. Use non-judgmental language such as “I’m interested in trying anal sex. Is that something you’d like to do with me? Would you be open to learning more about this?”
4. Respect your partner and know that when you share your kink, they may need some time to consider whether they want to engage that way or not.
The 5 Gears of Touch for Sexual Stimulation
No matter what activity you choose to engage in, it is crucial to recognize that different kinds of touch are as integral to an enjoyable sexual encounter as intercourse, even more enjoyable for many. McCarthy and McCarthy (2009) have outlined five “gears” of touch that can increase one’s subjective arousal, defined as feeling turned on by sexual stimulation. These five “gears” of touch range from 1(no sexual arousal) to 10 (so turned you are having an orgasm), thus providing a more pleasurable sexual experience. Using this subjective scale has also been shown to reduce lost erection and vaginal pain during sex, as couples transition to intercourse when their subjective arousal is between 7-10 rather than moving to intercourse when their subjective arousal is less than 6.
The Five Gears of Touching:
1. Affectionate touching – includes clothes on touching such as holding hands, kissing, or hugging. Subjective arousal – 1
2. Sensual Touch – includes non-genital pleasure such as head, back, or foot rub, cuddling, and cradling each other. This can occur with clothes on, semi-clothed, or nude. Subjective arousal 1-3
3. Playful touch – includes a mix of genital and non-genital pleasuring such as touching in the shower, full body massage, seductive or erotic dancing, games such as strip poker. The goal of playful touching is to enhance the sense of pleasure and playfulness. Subjective arousal 4-5.
4. Erotic touch – includes manual, oral, rubbing, or vibrator stimulation. It can also involve playing out erotic scenarios and techniques. Subjective arousal 6-10.
5. Intercourse – Subjective arousal 7-10.
A great way to incorporate the five gears of touches into your relationship is during a date night! Make any of the touches a date night theme and enjoy being sensual, playful, and erotic with each other. And know it does not have to end with intercourse as sex is and can be about just enjoying each other’s touch and time with one another.
Sex is an Adventure
By broadening your definition of sex, you may experience more sex in all its forms and layers. Don’t make the goal be about sexual intercourse, but enjoy the person you are having sex with and the experience of the interaction. Sexual experiences should be a way to bring partners together and gain intimacy, and it looks different for many people. It’s essential to focus on what works best for you and your partner or partners and understand there is so much to sex beyond penetration.
Sex is so much more than penetration. So open your mind to experience every aspect of the pleasures of being a sexual being! Lala is dedicated to providing insightful and educational information to help create healthy and happy relationships which play a major role in your sexual health. Subscribe to Lala’s Bedtime Tales Newsletter and follow @LalasBedtimeTales on social media to never miss any sexual education to help you live the healthiest life possible. Also, check out the Lala's Bedtime Tales Podcast and Lala's Oh So Exclusive Patreon account for even more content! If you’re browsing for sexy pleasure products or cute giftable items, then check out Lala’s Pleasure Shop.
Cited Sources:
McCarthy, B. W., & McCarthy, E. (2009). Discovering your couple’s sexual style: Sharing desire, pleasure, and satisfaction. New York, NY: Taylor & Francis Group.
Robinson, B., Bockting. W., Rosser, B., Miner, M., & Coleman, E. (2002). The Sexual Health Model: Application of a sexological approach to HIV prevention. Health Education Research, 17, 43-57.
Sexual Health. (2019). Retrieved November 8, 2021, from https://www.who.int/topics/sexual_health/en/ Doe, Lindsey. Sexplanations podcast episode #14
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