Maybe he’s leaving nails at the end of your driveway to puncture the tires on your car.

Maybe you’re sleeping with your purse and keys under your pillow because you are afraid he will steal the money in your wallet to gamble.

Maybe he’s threatening violence, holding a knife to the abdomen of your toddler, and threatening to “gut him like a fish” in front of his siblings. Maybe he neglects the children and doesn’t allow them basic hygiene like running water, a toilet, and toothbrushes during his weekends to have the children.

Maybe he grabs your wrist and pins you against the wall, and yells and intimidates you with his body.

Maybe he calls the electric company and changes your home address to a PO box, so the electric bill doesn’t come to your home, and you forget to pay the bill. Maybe he does this three years after you have divorced him.

Maybe you’ve paid for alcohol rehab seven times, and he is still drinking too much and can’t keep a job.

Maybe she drinks too much and falls and bruises herself and then threatens to call the police and say that you gave her that black eye and injuries.

Maybe he isolates you from friends and family, moving you to a different state, only allowing you to have the car one day a week to get groceries and go to church.

Maybe he accuses you of having an affair, monitors your phone calls and internet usage, plants an audio recorder in your car to listen to your conversations, follows you around town, and waits outside your workplace.

Maybe she steals money and valuables from you and sells them to pay for heroin.

Maybe he removes you as an authorized user from the credit card and gas card without telling you, leaving your stranded without a way to pay for groceries and gas at the store.

Maybe he undermines you to other people, talks about you and reports your “wrongs,” calling your parents in the middle of the night, and your boss hoping you’ll lose your job.

Maybe he criticizes you and shames you, yelling and blocking your exit from the room.

Maybe you’ve never had a key to the house you lived in and paid the mortgage on for 12 years.

Maybe he sabotages your birth control method or refuses to take responsibility for his role in procreation.

Maybe he stonewalls and gives you the cold shoulder for days, weeks, months at a time.

Maybe he poisoned the cat.

Maybe you know the relationship isn’t healthy, but you have young children at home and don’t want to upset their lives.

Maybe you’ve been taught to believe that women should be meek and submissive, respecting their husbands as the head of the household. Or that “God hates divorce.” Or you were raised with a cultural belief that a woman is responsible for evil in the world with examples like Eve and Pandora.

Unfortunately, these scenarios are all true. My friends and I have lived through them.

Words Are Powerful

The language we use around domestic violence has often been victim-shaming. Instead of saying “She is a battered woman,” we should say “he is an abuser.” Instead of saying “he has an anger problem,” we should say “he uses abuse to have power and control over his partner.” Instead of asking, “why does she stay?” ask, “why does he batter?”

The Cycle of Domestic Violence

While the lived experience may feel chaotic, domestic violence or intimate partner violence follows a predictable pattern. The cycle repeats, and each time around, the level of violence may increase. The abuser is not “out of control” and randomly taking out stress and tension on anybody. The abuser is in control of their behavior at all times and motivated to control further and isolate their victim(s).

Abuse:

Intimate partner violence is a crime! Abusers can be male or female. However, data shows that 82% of domestic violence victims are female. (Black, 2011) Consider the amount of effort a woman goes through to report domestic violence. Police interviews, the paperwork involved obtaining a restraining order, dealing with questions from neighbors, friends, and family. To think that this is a false claim is preposterous. Telling the truth about domestic violence does not guarantee a woman will be awarded custody of the children in a divorce or that the abuser will be prosecuted. A person of color or someone in the LGTBQ+ community experiences intimate part violence at disproportionate rates in our society.

We all feel certain that we would detect physical or sexual violence and leave the relationship, but often the abuse is more insidious and covert than a sprained wrist and a black eye. Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, economic, and social. Pregnancy is a hazardous time in a domestically violent relationship. Abuse does not get better after pregnancy, and abusers do not become good fathers after pregnancy. 94% percent of murder-suicide victims are female. (Black, 2011)

Do you feel like you are emotionally “walking on eggshells” around your partner? Do they refuse responsibility for their actions and shift blame to other people? Do they belittle your friends and family and undermine your relationships? Do they coerce sex? Does your partner make you doubt yourself? Do you have unexplained chronic pain or anxiety and depression from living in an abusive situation?

Guilt:

An abuser feels guilt differently than the non-abuser. They may apologize, but they are more focused on not being caught or held responsible or facing the consequences for their behavior.

Rationalization:

The abuser makes excuses for their behavior to justify why they acted in such a way. They may say things that blame the victim, like, “If you had been home on time, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.” They may excuse their behavior by saying they were intoxicated or experienced child abuse themselves. People choose their behavior. Having lived through child abuse or abusing substances is not an excuse to choose to abuse another person.

“Normal” Behavior:

During this time, the abuser may act as though nothing happened. Life may feel like a return to normal. The person experiencing the abuse may doubt themselves and wonder if the abuse occurred. The abuser tries to hide the abuse, cover-up an injury, and present the relationship as “normal” to other people. They may “love bomb” the abused person to convince them to stay in the relationship with actions like bringing them gifts, reminiscing about good times, convincing the abused partner that they will change, that they will stop drinking, or get a job, or promising they can spend the holidays with the abused partner’s family. The abused person hopes the abuser will change, telling themselves that this was the last time.

Fantasy and Planning:

Abuse is planned. The abuser enjoys the power from fantasizing and planning the next way they will abuse their victim. They spend time fantasizing about what their partner has done “wrong” and plans how they will make their partner “pay.”

Set-Up:

This is when the abuser goes into action, setting up the victim and putting their plan into action. They might demand the victim gives an account of every minute of their time away from home. If the victim’s late coming home from the grocery store due to traffic, the abuser might accuse the victim of having an affair with the grocery store clerk.

Coping Mechanisms

People who have survived abuse often deny and minimize the abuse, “this bruises isn’t bad,” “he didn’t mean to hurt me,” “at least he doesn’t hit me.” Some people have nightmares, and others develop unexplained chronic pain or anxiety and depression. Shock and disassociation are two reactions that numb the survivor’s mind and body during the assault and for a time afterward. This helps them avoid dealing with immediate feelings until they have found a place of safety.

Separation

When a woman or man chooses to leave their partner, the abuser will go through a predictable pattern of behavior. They may act indifferent and say things like, “go ahead and leave. I don’t need you for anything.” Manipulative anger comes next. Abusers are no angrier than other people. Anger is a tool an abuser uses to control and manipulate their victim. They might say things like, “I demand to see my children.” Or “I have a right to live in my own house.” Manipulative courting to get their victim to stay in the relationship, saying they want them back, remembering sentimental moments, and promising behavior change. Defaming the survivor by telling lies about them to everyone they know. The abuser’s goal is to isolate the survivor and make them stay in the relationship by removing the survivor’s social support. Once the abuser realizes the survivor is not returning to the relationship, their manipulative anger is renewed. This is a dangerous time. The abuser is more likely to carry out previous threats.

You Are Not Alone

You are not the only one to have experienced these things! I believe each survivor of abuse knows what is best for their situation and when is the right time to act. You may feel that the safest action is to stay with the abuser. You might feel paralyzed and stuck, and unable to make a decision. Breathe deeply and listen to your heart beating to calm yourself. You might take forward action by educating yourself on domestic violence to gain awareness. Don’t stay there for too long. You may start making a step-by-step plan to put in place to leave the abuser.

Listed below are three essential items that are needed when you decide to leave a domestically violent relationship:

1. Identification documents ( i.e. driver’s license, work visa, social security cards for you and the children)

2. Medications and Money (i.e. checkbook, debit card/credit card)

3. Keys for the house and the car, a change of clothes, and an address book.

Visualize your working plan. Call a domestic violence shelter for support and to find out resources in your area. Pursue legal action. Stalking and coercive control are crimes and can be prosecuted in certain states.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

As a woman who has survived intimate partner violence, I want to encourage you that you are valuable and deserve to live in safety and be able to make decisions for yourself. Having the support of true friends and family who listened to me and gave me a non-judgmental space to grow allowed me to recognize that my relationship was not healthy, grieve the loss of the relationship, and start to make decisions for myself. October is Intimate Partner Violence Awareness Month. I will honor the lived experiences of people who have survived abuse by attending a “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” event and listening to a friend and her daughter share their testimony of surviving abuse in their home and gaining justice from the legal system. We are stronger together!

Lala is dedicated to providing insightful and educational information to help create healthy and happy relationships which play a major role in your sexual health. Subscribe to Lala’s Bedtime Tales Newsletter and follow @LalasBedtimeTales on social media to never miss any sexual education to help you live the healthiest life possible. Also, check out the Lala's Bedtime Tales Podcast and Lala's Oh So Exclusive Patreon account for even more content! If you’re browsing for sexy pleasure products or cute giftable items, then check out Lala’s Pleasure Shop.

National Domestic Violence Resources:

Domestic Violence Support| The Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

National Human Trafficking Hotline - 1-888-373-7888

Cited Sources:

Black, M.C., Basile, K.C., Breiding, M.J., Smith, S.G., Walters, M.L., Merrick, M.T., Chen, J. & Stevens, M. (2011). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2010 summary report. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_report2010-a.pdf.

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