Beyond Vanilla: Your Journey Into BDSM Pleasure
Fifty Shades of Grey brought mainstream attention to BDSM and empowered many people to speak up about their curiosity about this sexual practice. Although BDSM is a healthy expression of sexuality due to the stigma and shame around sex, BDSM is categorized or seen as a taboo sexual practice because it deviates from what many would consider "traditional" sexual activities.
Yet, BDSM is a top sexual fantasy for many individuals and more widely practiced than you'd think.
According to a Journal Of Sex Research study, nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually. In contrast, slightly more women and less men are aroused by the idea of being dominated. In this same Journal Of Sex Research study, about 47% of adults would like to participate in at least one nontraditional or mainstream sex act, and 34% of research participants said that they'd done so at least once in their lifetime.
Everyone develops sexual fantasies based on their different tastes, experiences, and curiosities that begin during childhood and last until the end of our lives because we're innately sexual beings. Therefore, if you're like bad girl RiRi and whips and chains excite you, then more power to you because it's perfectly normal to enjoy kinky sex.
What Is BDSM
To gain better knowledge of BDSM, you first must know what the acronym BDSM stands for. BDSM is an acronym utilized as an umbrella term in the kink community for consensual sexual activities that involve but aren't limited to the following practices:
The BD in BDSM stands for bondage and discipline. Bondage is a kink play practice that involves the usage of restraints. In this core BDSM practice, an individual allows someone to control their pleasure by restraining their hands and arms or legs and feet or all of them with the help of props like silk ties, handcuffs, or ropes, to name a few of the common restraints available for bondage. The discipline piece of BDSM is training a person in a "submissive" role during the kink play scene to obey specified rules and perform certain acts. Violating these agreements results in a consensual agreed upon disciplinary action from the "dominant" role in this power exchange kink play dynamic.
The DS in BDSM comprises dominance and submission. Dominance and submission are what many individuals think about when they hear the acronym BDSM. Dominance and submission is the power exchange dynamic that can occur between individuals participating in this core BDSM practice. In this kink play, the "submissive" relinquish control or gives power to a "dominant(s)". A power exchange dynamic within BDSM practices can play out in numerous ways. Submitting to a dominant can be emotional, physical, or both. These elements can be played out during a scene through a dominant's control or a submissive's acts of service. Also, some BDSM practitioners choose to take on these roles in a 24/7 power exchange, making it a lifestyle that exists beyond the bedroom. At the same time, some individuals only partake in these power play dynamics within sexual activities and specified kink play scenes.
The SM in BDSM involves sadism and masochism, also known as, sadomasochism. Sadomasochism is a core BDSM practice encompassing individuals who derive pleasure from pain, whether inflicting or receiving the pain or, in some cases, both. A person who identifies as a sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others, while a masochist is described as an individual who enjoys receiving pain.
If you choose to explore BDSM, it's vital to acknowledge that BDSM extends beyond these core practices and encompasses varying degrees of kink play and fetishism. Therefore, you can engage in BDSM play and not feel pressured to participate in its core practices.
People's Attraction To BDSM
For many years, those who engaged in BDSM practices or kink play were seen as mentally unstable, and that's one of the biggest myths surrounding the kink community. The majority of most recent sex research has found evidence showing that a majority of BDSM practitioners are mentally stable but want a more intense sexually gratifying experience than what mainstream considers "traditional" or "vanilla" sex. In fact, BDSM is a common practice amongst many, and people from various walks of life indulge in this form of kink play.
In a recent Intercourse Discourse interview with Kinky Wellness Educator, Kink Coach, and BDSM Practitioner, Dana Shergill sums it up best when she says many people choose to engage in BDSM from a place of curiosity. Typically, those who choose to practice BDSM have thought a lot about their sexuality and want a way to explore, test, and face their sexual boundaries. Often, when individuals begin their BDSM journey from an explorative mindset, it positively impacts their sex life and sometimes their overall quality of life. Also, many people choose to engage in BDSM play because they find it freeing, a stress reliever, and a fun and exciting way to play or experience a different position in life than their everyday role.
Whether a person chooses to engage in BDSM or kink play in a want to give up control, fully surrender, experiment or explore, or a creative form of sexual expression, it's a normal and unique sexual journey for everyone that says nothing about an individual's mental stability or wellness.
Basic BDSM Principles
BDSM, like any sexual activity, there are inherent risks. It's vital to understand the basic BDSM principles when engaging in this form of kink play. For the most satisfactory and enjoyable experience for all parties involved, acknowledging these basic principles for kink play is vital. Dana Shergill, Kinky Wellness Educator and Coach, expressed in The Intercourse Discourse Interview, BDSM For Beginners: Navigating Pleasure, Pain, and Power, that the basic BDSM principles to adhere to are to get explicit consent, play ethically, be self-aware, and be sure all parties involved are informed about the risks of participating in the agreed upon BDSM practices.
Consent is crucial and fundamental to BDSM because it allows all individuals involved in the kink play scene to have an enjoyable, safe, and informative experience. Often, in kink and BDSM play, the guiding consent and safety principles are based on the Safe, Sane, and Consensual Model or SSC. When discussing safety as it relates to SSC in BDSM play, it means that you all are taking the proper protocols when engaging in these practices to prevent risks. Playing ethically in BDSM means adhering to negotiations and protocols, meaning staying within the boundaries set before the kink play scene. Also, it's pertinent with practicing BDSM ethically to not engage in any non-consensual and illegal activities.
The nature of kink play is rooted in the ideologies of consent, empowerment, and creative sexual expression. Kink play should bring individuals pleasure and acceptance and be a source of playfulness. Yet, kink play can only encompass these elements if individuals are self-aware, especially in their sexuality. The basic principles of BDSM are heavily reliant on an individual's self-awareness and centering their needs and those of others involved during negotiations and scenes. If someone isn't self-aware, this can lead to dangerous and deadly risks of kink play. Shergill states that it's vital people are cognizant of the risk involved in BDSM acts because if they're not, individuals can cause undesirable pain and suffer negative ramifications that can be the reason for emotional or physical damage to themselves and other individuals involved in kink play.
BDSM Boosts Mental Health
The sexual practices of BDSM and kink play often get a bad reputation for being mentally and physically damaging or harmful to individuals, and that's a misconstrued notion. While for many, BDSM is a fun, sexy, and engaging way for people to be explorative in their sex lives, for others, BDSM and kink play can be a healthy outlet for trauma healing and sexual liberation. In recent sex research studies, BDSM and kink play have been linked to stress reduction, self-acceptance, cathartic release, and trauma healing. These studies also report that individuals who practice BDSM tend to suffer from fewer neuroses, are less sensitive to rejection, more self-aware, open-minded, and adventurous, even beyond sexual activities.
The mental health benefits of BDSM and kink play are great by-products for those who choose to add this level of exploration and excitement to their sex lives. It doesn't replace the importance of professional mental healthcare and services for those suffering from mental health issues or trauma. Kink play and BDSM instead works as an additional tool for those coping with past pain, stress, or neuroses. BDSM and kink can be a phenomenal way for many to channel their struggles with trauma and mental health; some of the acts can be triggering to some. Therefore, it's pertinent to discuss your wants and desires to participate in kink and BDSM with a kink-positive licensed mental health professional if you're dealing with mental health issues or trauma.
If you are someone who's craving a heightened sexual experience or already incorporating a level of kink play into your sex life, here are some of the ways BDSM practices may boost your mental health and help you heal and help with your self-development in and out of the bedroom:
Stress Reduction: Engaging in kink play and BDSM practices are considered stress-relieving outlets for many people because they provide feel-good hormones like endorphins and release cortisol, the stress hormone. Studies have shown that participating in BDSM can help people access altered states of awareness, temporarily escaping their "traditional sense of self" and experiencing a meditative relaxation state, commonly referred to in the kink community as a "subspace".
Mood Enhancement: Many people who partake in BDSM can reach a level of mindful sex practices that many people who engage in "traditional sex" cannot always attain. Adhering to BDSM practices of being aware and present in the moment during kink play scenes leads to an individual's ability to let go and experience the full benefits of feel-good hormones like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
Personal Development: BDSM and kink play allow for self-exploration, a pushing of one's boundaries and perceived limitations, and provide individuals with an outlet to "rewrite" past lived experiences to better understand, deal with, and heal from these situations through pleasure and play. Through exploring desires and fantasies in a consensual and non-judgmental environment, individuals can experience increased self-acceptance, self-esteem, and confidence.
Cathartic Release: Harboring feelings of emotional tension like aggression, anger, or rage are typical human experiences. For some individuals, BDSM activities like pain play, impact play, or the use of bondage are healthy ways to channel emotional tension or trauma into physical pain, allowing them to release the emotional pain from their body in a cathartic release.
Trauma Healing: BDSM can help those dealing with trauma regain a sense of control they feel has been robbed from them through a role of dominance or taking on a more submissive role in a power play dynamic, provides them with a safe space to take control of the outcome of what is happening to them. BDSM, especially for those trying to heal from sexual trauma, allows these individuals to reframe their narrative so they no longer feel like victims.
The beauty of BDSM is the diversity of kink play involved in its practices. Therefore, it provides individuals with the opportunity to explore and navigate fantasies in a way that allows them to let go of sexual shame and find acceptance in themselves in a way that has a positive impact on their mental well-being.
Exploring Popular BDSM Practices
BDSM practices encompass a wide variety of kink play and fetishism. It's important to note that on a more granular level of BDSM practices, everything is on a spectrum from soft or light to hard or extreme play. Your BDSM and kink play journey is unique to you, making constant communication and consent critical when indulging in these sexual activities. The number of sexual acts within the BDSM umbrella can feel endless, which is phenomenal but overwhelming for someone new to kink exploration.
Therefore, here is a list of the top five most popular BDSM practices to ease yourself into when curious about BDSM and kink play:
Bondage: This involves restraining a partner using ropes, handcuffs, restraints, or other devices. It can be done for aesthetic, sensory, or dominance/submission reasons.
Impact Play: Impact play includes spanking, flogging, whipping, and caning. These activities can range from mild sensation play to more intense forms of pain play.
Dominance and Submission (D/s): This power play dynamic involves one partner taking on a dominant role, often referred to as the "Dominant" or "Dom," and the other partner taking on a submissive role, known as the "sub" or "bottom." The dominant partner has control and authority within negotiated boundaries.
Erotic or Sexual Roleplay: Roleplay allows participants to explore scenarios and characters, often with power dynamics. Popular roles include teacher/student, doctor/patient, or master/slave.
Sensation Play: This focuses on various tactile sensations, such as using feathers, ice, hot wax, or other objects to stimulate the senses. It can range from gentle teasing to more intense forms of sensation.
A negative narrative about BDSM practices is that it's only about pain and dominance, and it's not. Kink Educator and Coach Dana Shergill explains, "BDSM is about more than pain and dominance. It can include closeness, connectivity, and the opportunity to feel seen and to build intimacy with others." Hence, when considering delving into BDSM, it's essential to change the narrative around kink play and possibly sex from negative to positive. Also, remember that clear communication, consent, safety, and aftercare are fundamental in any BDSM activity. It's important to thoroughly discuss boundaries, establish safe words, and prioritize all involved parties' emotional and physical well-being with any form of kink play.
How To Start Your BDSM Journey
Shergill expresses that the beginning of anyone's BDSM journey starts with themselves. Before diving headfirst into kink play and BDSM, a person should fully understand their body, wants, desires, and what brings them pleasure because, without this knowledge, an individual cannot successfully express these needs with others. The ability to confidently express yourself in sexual situations plays a vital role in the fundamental principles of BDSM: consistent and continual communication. When starting a BDSM journey, it's crucial to fully understand that BDSM and kink play are heavily built on consent. Consent is integral to BDSM and any sexual activity because it allows the sexual environment to cultivate a safe space for enjoyment and exploration.
Once you've grasped the BDSM principles, the best way to begin your BDSM journey is to start slow and small so you can understand what kinks you enjoy and what may not be for you. A great gateway into kink play and BDSM is to start with sensation play so you can connect to all five senses to have more mindful sex and better understand your boundaries, limitations, and potential triggers. A great tip that Kink Educator Dana Shergill provides is to inexpensively explore kinks by using items around the house, like ice cubes for temperature play or a necktie for bondage exploration.
Healthy, Consensual, & Responsible Ways To Engage In BDSM
Throughout the BDSM For Beginners: Navigating Pleasure, Pain, and Power, Shergill emphasizes the importance of being both self and risk-aware because BDSM is never one hundred percent safe. Hence, risk will always be attached to BDSM practices and kink play.
The best consent practice for participating in BDSM play is to follow either the Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RISK) Safety model or the Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) safety model. Earlier, we briefly discussed the SSC safety model, and here we'll delve into it deeper because it's typically the most popularly used safety protocol in the kink community. When discussing safety as it relates to SSC in BDSM play, it means that you all are taking the proper protocols when engaging in these practices to prevent risks. The sane portion of the SSC is pertinent in BDSM practices because people shouldn't engage in kink play when tired, drunk, or under the influence of drugs or strong negative emotions. Everyone who consents to the kink play scene should have a sound state of mind and good head space. Lastly, the consent in the SSC model is to ensure that everyone has given full consent before the start of the kink play scene.
In order to best practice BDSM consensually and safely, you should have a complete understanding and continually utilize these safety and consent practices:
BDSM Negotiations refers to the process of all parties involved in the kink play to discuss and establish parameters, boundaries, desire, and consent for their kink play scenes or dynamic. Negotiations in BDSM practice should happen before the kink play takes place and is considered the backbone of consensual BDSM practices.
BDSM Protocol refers to governing rules and behaviors established in a BDSM relationship. Typically, protocols in BDSM are within power exchange play to define the relationship's behavior, hierarchy, interpersonal dynamics, and rituals.
Safe Words and Safe Signals refers to a word, phrase, code, or nonverbal communication used in BDSM to communicate a person's physical and emotional state. Safe words are designed to help communicate ongoing consent, ensure a person's safety during more intense forms of play, and ensure there is no confusion about whether a person wants to play to stop or continue.
Hard and Soft Limits are a crucial part of the BDSM negotiation process. Hard and Soft limits represent that some elements of kink play are non-negotiable while others are flexible and open for exploration. Hard limits classify anything in kink play that a person would never do under any circumstances. In contrast, soft limits are things you're open to and would consider exploring under the right conditions and proper headspace.
Aftercare refers to the support and care given to intimate partners immediately after sex or a BDSM scene. Aftercare is essential to any form of sexual activity, and it's especially vital in BDSM because it helps everyone involved in the kink play scene to return to equilibrium and rejoin the outside world.
Strengthen Intimacy With BDSM
Introducing BDSM into your sexual activities with partners does more than spice up your sex lives. BDSM improves communication by encouraging open and honest conversations, deepens trust by emphasizing continual consent and respecting and setting boundaries, and enhances connectedness and overall intimacy by fostering an environment where vulnerability and shared experiences are welcomed within the partnership(s).
BDSM practices within romantic and intimate partnerships disrupt "traditional" norms of sexual activities and exchange them with healthier, pleasure-focused, sex-positive, and empowering sexual experiences, heightening the satisfaction of shared intimacy. Sex research studies have shown that when intimate and romantic partners incorporate BDSM practices within their sex lives, it has a positive impact beyond the bedroom, allowing individuals to feel more accepted, seen, and secure within their relationship(s).
BDSM Is More Than Just A Sexual Practice
BDSM and Kink Play are not only a fun way to spice it up in the bedroom and a sexual practice but also can benefit your mental and sexual well-being. Allowing individuals to experience positive sexual empowerment, tap into their creativity and imagination, encourage playfulness, and provide a safe space for trauma healing. Most importantly, BDSM and kink play affirm that everyone has a right to pleasure without judgment. Dana Shergill explains that BDSM and kink play are excellent ways for individuals to have a healthy outlet for aggression, imagination, and attention because self-development isn't possible without that outlet.
October is referred to in the Sexual Wellness Community as Kinktober because it’s Kink Awareness and Education Month. If you want to learn more tips and education about BDSM and Kink Play from a Kinky Wellness Educator and Coach, BDSM Practitioner, and Founder of The Partition Life, Dana Shergill, then watch The Intercourse Discourse Interview, BDSM For Beginners: Navigating Pleasure, Pain, and Power. Lala's Bedtime Tales’ mission is to provide a safe space and judgment-free zone to educate yourself on sexual health & wellness. The Sexual Health & Wellness Corner will have monthly articles dedicated to continuous education on living a positive and sexually healthy lifestyle. Subscribe to Lala's Bedtime Tales Newsletter and follow @LalasBedtimeTales on social media to never miss any sexual education to help you live the healthiest life possible. Also, check out Lala's Bedtime Tales Podcast and Lala's Oh So Exclusive Patreon account for even more content! If you’re browsing for sexy pleasure products or cute giftable items, then check out Lala’s Pleasure Shop.
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